i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
