never play flip cup with pint glasses
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
