If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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