I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
