He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
