I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
