Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
