I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
