Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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