Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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