The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
