I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
