maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
