I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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