Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
