I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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