I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
