he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
