My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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