operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
