dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
