there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
