if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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