if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
