i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
