i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
