Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
