I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I want a musical about memes.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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