The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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