my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
