doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
