I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
