i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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