you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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