I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
