There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
