it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
