So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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