My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
