Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
