Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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