i jhust puked up my retainher.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize
