Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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