so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
