just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
