hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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