I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
