I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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