I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
