Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
